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Tickles my damn nerve.

I've already written about having Post Partum Depression & Anxiety. There have been several bloggers, moms, doctors, and people who have spoken + written about PPD+A before me.

+ yet. 
People are still ignorant. 

I've come across some pretty dumb ass people in my life. But something took me by surprise today. I live pretty privately and if I speak about something it's either because I tolerate you and can actually have a conversation with you. That's a big deal in and of itself. 

Here's what surprised me. 
A fellow mom, actually a mom who is pregnant for the second time, asked me how I was doing. Naturally, I say I'm doing well and the conversation went from one thing to another. We got on the topic of post pregnancy and all that + one thing led to another + mentioned PPD+A. 

"What is that? Does that mean you're like crazy?"

Her words. Her actual reaction. 

Now, anyone who knows me knows well enough that I will react with my face, then with my words. Usually my facial expressions and my words combined hurt. I was actually SPEECHLESS.

I cocked my head to the side + said "What?" Because I was truly convinced I misheard what she had asked. NOPE. She meant it. 

I responded in the only way I know how because my mother taught me better. 
I told her to go read a book. Because saying the truth would just seem like "CRAZY" to someone who couldn't understand. 

No. It's more than just feeling crazy. 
You feel helpless, you are anxious. 
You can't get through your days without feeling like a failure. 
You don't sleep well. 
You don't know how to focus. 
That's just the depression part, that's what you put into words. 

Anxiety? That's a whole different ball game.  
You check the baby. You doze off. You wake up. 
You freak out. You check to see if the baby's breathing. 
You verify that the baby is breathing. 
You stare at the baby. 
You have to go to the store - you check the car seat. 
You put the baby in and take the baby out. You check the car seat.
You put the baby back in - you start the car. You turn the car off. 
You sit thinking about how you're going to react to another car. 
What if a car stops in front of you? What do I do? 
What if a car is tailgating you?What do I do? 
What if you run out of gas? What do I do? 
What if the engine light comes on? What do I do? 
Is the baby going to be too hot? Too cold? What do I do? 
What if you see an animal? What do I do? 
What if someone runs the light? What do I do? 
What if someone is under the car? What do I do? 
You get out of the car. You check the car. You check the car seat.
You start the car- you get out + check the car seat. 
You start driving, you stop - you check the baby + car seat. 
You get to your destination - you check the baby. 
You shop. 
You do it ALL over again. 
Your home. 
You make sure you don't wipe too hard. 
You check to make sure all of the doors + windows are locked. You check three + four times.
You walk around the house to make sure no one that isn't supposed to be there is in here. 
You check the baby. 

You want to scream. But you can't. 
That can and will wake or scare the baby. 
So you sit.. or pace.. or clean.. scrub.. brush... watch.

That's just about an hour of my every day. 
To me, I feel crazy. 
My husband + my family are worried. 
Our friends are worried. 

Post Partum Depression and/or Anxiety and/ or OCD is REAL. 
And it's a fucking shame that it isn't to others.
To live in a world ignorant of what can happen to other people solely because you don't deal with it. 
If you have nothing nice to say, do not say it. 
If you don't understand it, ask, but don't be crass or callous.
Be mindful of what you say to people. You never know how it affects them, you never know just what they are going through. 

Every single day is a fight, some days the fight is easier. Others it isn't. 
Some days you feel like giving up, others you're ready for what's to come. 

Be mindful of what you say to people. You never know how it affects them, you never know just what they are going through.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. 
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
 -2 Corinthians 4:18

How I Met Your Father

How I Met Your Father :) 

I've always loved him. In fact, I'm pretty sure I fell in deep like the day I met him. See, I met Nick but he wasn't your father just yet. 

His smile. His sincerity. His devotion. His happiness. 
But.. he wasn't your father just yet. 

We spent a lot of time apart.. in fact, the majority of our relationship was apart. 
But.. he wasn't your father just yet. 

I'm reminding you that he wasn't your father because we didn't know about you. 
We hadn't quite earned that honor...yet.

The night before we stayed up talking with wine under the deepest of dark blue nights with a sky full of stars. We spoke about the past, the future, the now. We spoke about how things were changing so fast. How we were happy he was finally home, where we saw ourselves in 1 year, 5 years, 10 and 20 years. 

March 4, 2015

Anyone who knows me knows I'm superstitious, I read into signs that the world around me gives me. If it doesn't feel right, it's not happening. 

I was contemplating doing something completely different with my hair. Nick wanted to sleep so I took it as a sign that I should go. 
I got in the car, started it & sat there. Something wasn't sitting well. 

I drove to the hair salon, got out of the car and noticed the large number of people. 
I don't do  people. Sign number 2. 

I got back into the car & decided I was going to look up ping pong tables. 
Your dad ALWAYS talked about how he played ping pong in Afghanistan during his deployment & how much he loved it. SO .. the short of it was, I purchased it.  

I was being awkward, as per usual. & told him to get dressed and come outside. 
I drove around, talked a lot and waited for a confirmation email. 

I realized I had to pee. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. 
I started thinking and realized I should have gotten little lady flow up in this piece & hadn't yet. 

We get to Target, which is my safe haven as we all know. 
It happens to be near Dick's Sporting Goods which is WHY we were there to begin with. 

I purchase a pregnancy test because why the hell not. 

Paid. Peed. Waited. 

Two lines. 

Peed. Waited. Checked Instructions 6 and 7 times. 

Two lines. 

Well, I guess so. I walk outside to see him standing there, eager to see what I was about to say. 
He says "so" .. I say "so" ... "yeah" - it was i n s t a n t. 

The smile you see right there. That's the smile.  He smiled SO hard. 
That's when he became your father.  

Most would say you're not a parent until the baby is here. 
Not everyone's baby gets to be here... wherever "here" is. 

So yes. He was a father and, I, your mother. 
high five.

We were THAT couple. You would have thought our team scored that's how excited we were. 
in retrospect this is a poor example because we did IN FACT .. score. ;)

I fell in love all over again, every day. Regardless of our fights, regardless of the insane amount of time we spent apart. 

I fell in with him - day in and day out. Just as I was supposed to. 

With his smile. With his laugh. With the way he hugged me. With the way he planned. 

See, now.. he was your father. 
He dreamt, he worked hard, he had plans, he made changes. 

In a matter of a few hours - we went from two people in love, married, homeowners & happy 
two scared, happy, elated, nervous, parents to be.

And I couldn't have asked for a better partner in crime, a better father for you. 

That's How I Met Your Father.