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Tickles my damn nerve.

I've already written about having Post Partum Depression & Anxiety. There have been several bloggers, moms, doctors, and people who have spoken + written about PPD+A before me.

+ yet. 
People are still ignorant. 

I've come across some pretty dumb ass people in my life. But something took me by surprise today. I live pretty privately and if I speak about something it's either because I tolerate you and can actually have a conversation with you. That's a big deal in and of itself. 

Here's what surprised me. 
A fellow mom, actually a mom who is pregnant for the second time, asked me how I was doing. Naturally, I say I'm doing well and the conversation went from one thing to another. We got on the topic of post pregnancy and all that + one thing led to another + mentioned PPD+A. 

"What is that? Does that mean you're like crazy?"

Her words. Her actual reaction. 

Now, anyone who knows me knows well enough that I will react with my face, then with my words. Usually my facial expressions and my words combined hurt. I was actually SPEECHLESS.

I cocked my head to the side + said "What?" Because I was truly convinced I misheard what she had asked. NOPE. She meant it. 

I responded in the only way I know how because my mother taught me better. 
I told her to go read a book. Because saying the truth would just seem like "CRAZY" to someone who couldn't understand. 

No. It's more than just feeling crazy. 
You feel helpless, you are anxious. 
You can't get through your days without feeling like a failure. 
You don't sleep well. 
You don't know how to focus. 
That's just the depression part, that's what you put into words. 

Anxiety? That's a whole different ball game.  
You check the baby. You doze off. You wake up. 
You freak out. You check to see if the baby's breathing. 
You verify that the baby is breathing. 
You stare at the baby. 
You have to go to the store - you check the car seat. 
You put the baby in and take the baby out. You check the car seat.
You put the baby back in - you start the car. You turn the car off. 
You sit thinking about how you're going to react to another car. 
What if a car stops in front of you? What do I do? 
What if a car is tailgating you?What do I do? 
What if you run out of gas? What do I do? 
What if the engine light comes on? What do I do? 
Is the baby going to be too hot? Too cold? What do I do? 
What if you see an animal? What do I do? 
What if someone runs the light? What do I do? 
What if someone is under the car? What do I do? 
You get out of the car. You check the car. You check the car seat.
You start the car- you get out + check the car seat. 
You start driving, you stop - you check the baby + car seat. 
You get to your destination - you check the baby. 
You shop. 
You do it ALL over again. 
Your home. 
You make sure you don't wipe too hard. 
You check to make sure all of the doors + windows are locked. You check three + four times.
You walk around the house to make sure no one that isn't supposed to be there is in here. 
You check the baby. 

You want to scream. But you can't. 
That can and will wake or scare the baby. 
So you sit.. or pace.. or clean.. scrub.. brush... watch.

That's just about an hour of my every day. 
To me, I feel crazy. 
My husband + my family are worried. 
Our friends are worried. 

Post Partum Depression and/or Anxiety and/ or OCD is REAL. 
And it's a fucking shame that it isn't to others.
To live in a world ignorant of what can happen to other people solely because you don't deal with it. 
If you have nothing nice to say, do not say it. 
If you don't understand it, ask, but don't be crass or callous.
Be mindful of what you say to people. You never know how it affects them, you never know just what they are going through. 

Every single day is a fight, some days the fight is easier. Others it isn't. 
Some days you feel like giving up, others you're ready for what's to come. 

Be mindful of what you say to people. You never know how it affects them, you never know just what they are going through.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. 
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
 -2 Corinthians 4:18


  1. I love you' and I'm so proud at how far you've come! You truly are a role model for the new mommies out there. Sharing your experience makes you braver than the rest. Keep making little man proud

  2. Thank you for sharing. You're an inspiration. You are doing an amazing job with Alexander! Im going on my second (almost 10 yrs later) and I am scared more than ever before.